Father-in-law
by SoulessRobot
Summary: "Let's talk about this plan of yours. I think it's good. Except it sucks." Tony just stared at him. Quill kept talking, "So let me do the plan and then that way it might be really good." Tony sighed and knew he was going to regret this, "Fine. What's your oh so brilliant plan all knowing Star-lord?" Tony asked. "It's simple all I've got to do is marry Gamora." Quill concluded.
1. Chapter 1

_**Author's Note: Here you go here's a thing *presents story shamelessly. So this is probably going to be more than a little crackish. But here you go hope it holds you over until Infinity War comes out. Inspired by the third infinity war trailer. This dialogue prompt from Tumblr:**_ _***During battle***_  
 _ **Star Lord: I have a plan, you, red cyborg, are going to dance in front of the purple guy, so we can attack from behind**_  
 _ **Vision: I don't think…**_  
 _ **Star Lord: You, insect boy will try to take one of those colorful rocks.**_  
 _ **Peter: Rocks?**_  
 _ **Star Lord: And you, playboy man will help me to kill my father in law. Questions?**_  
 _ **Tony: This is wrong in so many levels.**_ _**And this comment from reddit: If Peter and Gamora are together in Infinity war, then Thanos is his father-in-law. Peter officially has the worst father issues in the Galaxy.**_ _**Also because of the two Peter problem I'll be referring to Peter Quill by either Quill, his full name or Star-lord. Peter Parker will just be Peter to Tony.**_

-x-

"So that's my plan. Any questions?" Tony wrapped up elegantly. Looking at Peter and the three aliens that called themselves Guardians of the Galaxy. A grey muscular humanoid, a weird masked guy from Missouri, and a freaking talking raccoon.

"Let's talk about this plan of yours. I think it's good. Except it sucks." The man who had introduced himself as Peter Quill AKA Star-lord said cheerily.

Tony just stared at him. This, this was unbelievable. Given the circumstances his and F. R. I. D. A. Y's planning was damn near flawless. Is this what he sounded like to other people? Parker was glancing between the two. His face was lit up like it was goddamn Christmas. All that was missing was the popcorn and he'd probably think he was watching a movie.

Quill kept talking, "So let me do the plan and then that way it might be really good."

Tony sighed and knew he was going to regret this, "Fine. What's your oh so brilliant plan all knowing Star-lord?" Tony asked.

"It's simple all I've got to do is marry Gamora." Quill concluded with a smile.

"Wow." Was all Tony could get out. "Just wow."

Quill grinned at him, "It's a great plan right?"

"You are an idiot." Tony let out. That was literally the only thought his mind could come up with. Doing a wedding sounded like more of a last rite than a plan to him. This man was like a downgraded version of him, a less intelligent country bumpkin version. "Not to rain on your parade —and hey no judgement from me that your ideal wedding scenario is during a universe wide apocalypse— but how is you getting married going to solve anything?" Tony asked incredulously.

"Easy, then Thanos will be my Father-in-law!" Quill replied like that made a lick of sense.

Tony turned to the grey muscular alien, "Not too sound insulting, but I think you're esteemed leader over there may have a few screws loose."

"Quill is not made from metal how could he have any screws?" The alien pondered.

These people would be the death of him. Forget Thanos, he was going to die from the idiocy long before the purple grape got here. Peter —the little shit— laughed at that. In fact he seemed to be greatly enjoying Tony's struggle. Tony ran his hand down his face. At least the kid would get this enjoyment before everyone died from Quill's idiotic plan.

"Excuse you," 'Star-lord' started, crossing his arms, "How many megalomaniac father's have you killed?"

"Uh, none." Tony said, annoyed. He watched Peter's eyes flip between the two of them like they were playing Ping Pong.

"Exactly." Quill huffed, like his response made a lick of sense.

This man had the brain capacity of a two year old, "I fail to see what that has to do with anything. That's not a real qualification-" Tony started, rolling his eyes.

"This will be my third father," Quill said, cutting him off and sticking up three fingers, "Third! It's pretty clear the universe rejects me having any sort of father figure. Thanos is sure to die. Statistics are on our side. "

"I don't even want to jump into that illogical mess. We're doing my plan."

"What Quill says is true. He has single handedly killed two fathers." Drax murmured thoughtfully as he stared at Quill.

"People say he's their son and then they die." Rocket added with a shrug. "Could work."

"Thank you! Rocket, Drax! Now who wants to come with me and tell Gamora she has to marry me to save the universe?"

"You people are ridiculous." Tony concluded as he watched the exchange.

-x-

Later on the Milano:

"Tell me again why we need to get married." Gamora demanded, her fist cuffed into Quill's jacket.

"I just told you." Peter said holding his hands up in surrender.

"No, you just opened your mouth and a bunch of noises came out." She narrowed his eyes at him.

"That's harsh. It's a term thing Gamora. Thanos will be my Father in law if we get married."

"I do not understand. You do not want Thanos as your father," She said darkly.

"I agree. That's why after we get married we're gonna kill him."

"Why do we not simply kill him?" she asked.

"Because Gamora, trust me the universe has something against people calling themselves my father. Yondu did it and he died the same day!"

"That makes no sense."

"It'll totally work 'Mora," Peter said snuggling closer to her and kissing her on the head, "Trust me. We defeated Ronan with 12% of a plan. My plans are just that good."She flipped him over her shoulder and onto the metal floor of the Milano.

"Owww," Peter groaned.

"Fine." Gamora let out, "Let's do it. But there better be more to this plan." Peter grinned up at her, "Is killing Thanos like the wedding present tradition you told me about?"

"Of course, only the best for you. Nebula can be your best woman and everything."

Gamora huffed fondly, "You are impossible Peter Jason Quill."

-x-

 _ **Author's Note: Hope you enjoyed it. I can't wait for more Stark-Quill snark. I also just chuckle at the image of Peter asking Thanos for Gamora's hand and them getting married in the middle of the fight a la pirates of the Caribbean style. Feel free to write thoughts about the upcoming movie or other snarky lines you can't wait for in the comments!**_


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: I now pronounce you man and wife

On the Milano headed to Earth:

Tony was staring out the window and watching solar systems blink by. The Guardians said it would take a couple hours to make it back to Earth. Who knew space travel was surprisingly speedy? The kid kept nudging him. He was probably worried at his silence Tony Stark really wasn't known for his silence after all. But these aliens every time he tried to say something it either felt like he was losing brain cells or having the universe flipped upside down.

"Stark," The Raccoon's voice flitted by, apparently even the aliens were worried about his silence, "The thing you gotta learn about Quill," Rocket explained, "Is that he's an idiot. But, he's an unkillable idiot. Trust me he's one of those people that's just too stupid to die!"

"Hey, I'm sitting right here you know." Quill shouted from his seat at the front of the Milano's cockpit.

Rocket continued like Quill didn't even exist, "I mean one time we were fighting this Kree Purist Warlord, he wanted to commit Xenocide and wipe out a whole planet using an infinity stone. So he's about to do it and Star-munch over there-"

"Don't call me Star-munch!"

Rocket rolled his eyes, "He decides he's gonna put on a musical number and starts singing and dancing right there in front of everyone like a complete dofus. Challenges the guy to a dance-off!" Rocket snorted as he fiddled with a box of wires.

"Hey! That was a distraction, it worked great! We saved Xandar and got our criminal records wiped. I don't see what you've got to complain about." Quill grumbled from the controls.

Peter stared gobsmacked glancing between the two guardians, "You get to sing in the middle of fights in space?"

Tony was dying a little on the inside as he reached his hand over and placed it on the kid's shoulders,"No kid don't get any ideas." He told Peter.

"Nah, it's really just Quill. And then there was this other time when we were fighting a planet that happened to be Quill's dad and he makes this giant yellow eating thing from Groot's video game."

"His Dad's… a what?" Tony asked, trying to wrap his head around the series of words that the talking Raccoon had just said, but his question was drowned out by another outburst from Quill.

"I said I was gonna make some weird shit!" Star-lord defended.

"You could literally create anything in existence by just thinking about it Quill and that's what you do." Rocket said sounding unimpressed.

"Shut up! It was gonna be either Pac-man or the State Puft Marshmallow Man."

"See case and point unkillable idiot. You got issues Quill."

"Well your face has issues." Was the captain's witty response. Seriously Tony's brain cells were dying right now. They were screaming in agony as words that were never meant to be in a sentence together were said.

"He was going to try to fight a planet with the plot to the Ghostbusters," Tony muttered to himself. See this is why he stopped talking to the aliens. He didn't know if he should be ashamed or slightly proud of humankind's ability to survive.

"How do you live with these people?" Tony asked Gamora exasperated. So far she seemed like the most level headed of the bunch or at least the least crazy.

"You just accept that one day you will die next to the biggest idiots in the Galaxy." she said shrugging a bored look on her face, "Now excuse me I need to go make a call." With that she unbuckled from her seat and climbed down into the underbelly of the ship. Well there went his breath of sanity. Peter nudged him again and he sighed. These were gearing up to be some of the longest hours of Tony's life.

-x-

Nebula glared at Gamora through the video call, "You want me to do what?" She asked flatly, disbelief evident in her tone.

"Come to Terra. I want you to be my best woman at my wedding. Mantis already agreed to be a 'bridesmaid' whatever that is, but I need a best woman. Apparently it is tradition, you fight off any challenges for Quill's hand."

Nebula couldn't hold back the snort, "Like there's anyone out in the galaxy that would willingly marry that idiot besides you."

Gamora stared down her sister until Nebula ducked her head to break eye contact, "He can be quite charming. Besides how's your love life been lately sister?"

"Sister," Nebula sneered, "I am in the middle of something: destroying all of Thanos's dreams or die trying. I have no time for foolish games of love."

Gamora sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, "What if I told you it's part of Peter's plan to kill Thanos?"

"Quill... What?" she asked shock bleeding into her tone.

"Most of his plan was idiotic, but he promised to kill Thanos as a wedding present. Please sister I want to you be there."

"Fine, but he better hold his end of the bargain or I'll kill him."

"If he fails I doubt you'll have to worry about that we'll all be dead." With that dark thought Nebula hung up.

-x-

"Come on Groot we need a flowerboy. Every wedding has a flower boy."

"I am Groot!"

"It is not a girls' job!" Peter protested, "Besides Gamora specifically asked you to do it. You don't want to disappoint her do you?"

"I am Groot." The teenaged tree answered folding his arms over his chest.

"Listen here you little brat if you don't do it I'll ground you off that game of yours for four cycles! Not to mention Gamora will make toothpicks out of you if she learns you aren't taking the job she gave you seriously!"

"I am Groot." The tree said sulkily.

"Alright here's the deal if you do the job as the flower boy I'll let you pick the music."

"I am Groot!" Groot straightened and seemed to perk up.

"Yes fine you can play that band. Just please for my sake no Wub-step or whatever you call it."

"I AM GROOT!"

"You take that back I do not have bad music taste!"

-x-

The Milano swept down over the fields of Wakanda. Below Thanos's forces and Earth's last defense were clashing.

"So what's the plan?" Steve asked the reassembled Avengers team in the middle of a field.

Tony covered his face and lowered his head,"You don't even want to know the 'plan'. It's not even a plan, I don't know what the hell it is."

"They're gonna get married!" Spider-Man added excitedly pointing to the Green Woman and a scruffy looking man in a red jacket.

"Congratulations," Steve said, nodding at the pair before continuing, "Not to be rude, but I don't think that's very important right now."

"No, you don't understand Cap that's it, that's the entire plan." Tony deadpanned. Steve turned shocked back to the group of aliens.

"Come on Captain marry us!" The man in red begged.

"Son, I really don't think now is the best time. I'm not even ordained or anything." He spluttered, taken off guard.

"I don't care, you're the best moral authority we've got. It's either you or Rocket's gonna do it." Quill said jabbing his thumb at the bipedal Racoon. Steve blinked. The bipedal raccoon that stubbed his toe on a rock and let out a swear that Steve had never heard the likes of before. Steve blanched and felt his ears turning red. Tony blushed and quickly went to cover Spider-Man's ears.

"Point taken. I'll do it!"

"Thanks." Quill said with a relieved grin.

-x-

"Okay listen up humies. We've got a plan that is going to save your sorry butts. In order for this plan to work we're gonna need a couple of things. You" Rocket pointed at a Wakandan man, the man looked around before pointing his fingers questioningly at himself, "Yes you! I'm gonna need those two rings you got on your fingers." The man quickly rose, slipped the rings off his fingers and handed them to the Raccoon. Rocket sniffed them, bite into one of them grunted and pocketed them, "And I'm gonna need that man's arm." He said pointing at Bucky.

"What the hell do you need my arm for?"

"Stuff." Rocket muttered and Bucky unbuttoned his jacket to undo his arm.

"No!" Peter shouted from the back of the crowd, "He doesn't need that arm. It's his thing. If he asks anyone here for a prosthetic tell him no!"

"But come on, imagine him with only one arm," Rocket snickered.

One of the world's deadliest assassins looked between the two aliens then looked at Steve.

"I'm going back to my cyro-freeze pod. Wake me up when all this crazy shits done Stevie."

"You're a killjoy Quill, a real stick in the mud." Rocket grumbled as the Winter Soldier walked off.

"Okay, now that we've got all the small stuff straightened out. Here's how this is gonna go down. I'm gonna ask Thanos for Gamora's hand. He's probably gonna say no." He turned to Steve, "Don't worry we're still gonna do the wedding. He'll probably be pretty shocked in fact that's when we're gonna attack him full force while me and Gamora do the vows."

Steve couldn't help but bob his head.

"Don't worry when this all goes up in smoke I've got a last ditch plan." Tony whispered to Steve. Steve nodded.

"If he doesn't die then. Just trust me something's going to happen." The leader of the Guardians of the Galaxy said with a grin. Gamora shook her head fondly and the rest of the army looked on with horror. They couldn't believe this was the man they were trusting with their planet, that this was the man who was guarding the galaxy.

"Come on Gamora let's go make this unspoken thing spoken." Quill said grabbing onto Gamora's hand and leading her towards the battlefield.

-x-

"Hey, Thanos!" Peter yelled, strolling out in front of the two armies like he didn't have a care in the world.

"Who dares to address the Mad Titan?" The warlord said glaring around the the battlefield as he crushed a tank with his bare hands.

"Down here!" Peter said with a wave and a gulp as he now had the full attention of the man intent on wiping out half the galaxy. Thanos turned his golden armor glinting in the light as he stared down.

"So," Peter started awkwardly fidgeting as he looked up into the crazed eyes of the Mad Titan, "Can I marry your daughter?"

Silence befell the field as both heroes and enemies held their breath and looked on.

"That is either the bravest or most stupid man I've ever seen." T'Challa whispered in awe from the front of his army. His general, Okoye, merely nodded her head.

"How dare you." Thanos's voice was quiet, "Who are you to think you are good enough for my favorite child."

"The names Star-lord and I'm pretty sure it's bad parenting to pick favorites man. Besides between the two of us I'm pretty sure I'm Gamora's favorite." Peter said his mouth working before his brain could stop it. Yondu was probably looking down in horror and calling him an idjit from the stars. With that comment Peter whipped out his blaster from behind his back and shot. The shot hit him straight in his face, but didn't even slow him down as he lunged at Peter.

Peter activated his mask and his boots and was shooting for the sky. He couldn't hold back one last quip though, "This was really just a formality because my Momma raised me right. I'm gonna marry her anyway!"

"GAMORA!" Thanos shrieked, as he directed the mass of his troops to go after the man, "Come out now and kill this fool and you may come back to the fold. I will forgive you for all you've done if you kill him."

"Come on Gamora let's do this!" Peter shouted in response as he shot down the Chitauri forces in hot pursuit.

"I'm a little busy right now!" Gamora yelled back as she took her Godslayer through one of the soldier's head and brought it back to block a blast aimed at her, "Besides we have to wait for Nebula to get here!"

At the mention of Nebula a ship came crashing down from the sky and straight into the Chitauri pursuing Peter. Out of the wreckage popped Nebula a blaster in each hand as she fired at the invading force. Then she stepped beyond the ship, hit a button and the whole ship exploded.

"Glad you could make it." Peter said sincerely as he touched down next to her.

"You had best hold up your end of the bargain Quill, if you don't or if you hurt Gamora there will be no pieces left of you to find." The blue assassin growled.

"Point taken. But I think we have to deal with your Dad now." Peter replied weakly as Thanos charged at him, ripping forces out of the way as he headed for Peter.

"CAPTAIN AMERICA MARRY US!" Gamora ordered at the top of her lungs from across the battlefield.

"Now?" Came the shouted reply, as there was an echoing sound as his shield bounced off of the enemy's armor.

"DOES IT LOOK LIKE THERE'S GOING TO BE A BETTER TIME?" Peter yelled as he circled the skies firing at Thanos.

"Fine! Listen up everyone," Steve said with his commanding voice on. "We are gathered here together to join in the union of one Peter Jason Quill and Gamora n matrimony commended to be honorable among all; and therefore is not to be entered into lightly but reverently, passionately, lovingly and solemnly. Into this - these two persons present now come to be joined."

Thanos roared.

"Speed this up Capsicle!" Tony yelled at Steve, "Or I think Star-lord's father in law is going to kill him before the ceremony is done."

Steve picked up his pace rushing over the next line, "If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together - let them speak now or forever hold their peace." Steve yelled as he plunged his shield into the wheel of one of the alien speeders.

"NO." Thanos boomed across the field. Steve ignored him.

"If anyone rejects this union I will remove their head from their body!" The blue assassin bellowed drowning out any protest as she stood on top of an alien craft her blasters firing in quick succession.

"Do you take Peter Jason Quill take Gamora to be your loftly wedded wife?" Steve continued.

"I,Peter Quill, take Gamora daughter of the Mad Titan, to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish, till death us do part."

"And do you Gamora take Peter Quill to be your loftly wedded husband?" He repeated to Gamora.

"I, Gamora, take this idiot Peter Quill, to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish, till death us do part." Gamora repeated a smile blooming across her lips.

"Here are your rings Star-munch!" Rocket said darting under the feet of enemies to deliver the two commendered rings. "I put a tracker in yours so you wouldn't go off and get yourself lost. They also can act as bombs if you push down the gem there." He explained rapid fire.

"Rocket! You did not make our wedding rings into improvised explosive devices!" Peter yelled as he slipped the ring onto Gamora's finger. The raccoon shrugged.

"You do have to admit it's more useful this way." Gamora spoke up as she took down an alien behind them. Peter sighed he honestly didn't know why he expected anything different when Rocket said he'd handle the rings.

"I now pronounce you man and wife! You may kiss the bride!" Steve finished as he pounded another Chitauri into the dirt.

Thanos howled and picked up one of the fallen pieces of spacecraft hurling it at the newly wedded couple.

Gamora grabbed Peter pulling him out of the way of the projectile. Then she dipped him back and kissed him. From somewhere above Iron Man wolf whistled.

As soon as the kiss finished there was a horrible screech of feedback and then the opening bars to a song, "What in the world?" Steve glanced around for the source.

"Yahoo! This is your celebration. Celebrate good times, come on! (Let's celebrate) Celebrate good times, come on! (Let's celebrate)" Echoed across the field. On top of the Milano stood the crazy raccoon with a grin that was all teeth as he plugged two cords together.

"Good choice Groot!" Peter said as he flew by giving the teenaged tree a thumbs up.

"I am Groot."

"Hey Dad!" Peter smirked doing a little half salute as he blew up another spacecraft.

"GAMORA I DISOWN YOU." Echoed across the field. There was a buzz from above and something glittered in the sky.

"Who are all those golden dudes up there? Are they on our side?" Tony asked looking at the thousands of golden ships that had appeared overhead.

Rocket squinted, "Oh those are the Sovereign, Quill pissed them off by flirting badly with their leader."

"Don't you even make this about me you Trash Panda we both know they've got a vendetta against us because you stole their batteries!" Quill said as he zipped overhead.

Tony didn't even know what his life was coming to anymore.

"STAR-LORD," a voice boomed overhead, "FOR TARNISHING THE HONOR OF THE SOVEREIGN EMPIRE WE HAVE COME TO SEEK RETRIBUTION!"

"They totally showed up because they heard we're getting married." Peter cried gleefully, "Hey you Golden painted pansies I bet you can't even take on my new Father in law! He's the best Father in law anyone could ask for." Peter cupped his hands and shouted at the top of his lungs.

"THEN WE SHALL DESTROY HIM!" And just like that thousands of remotely piloted ships were diving for Thanos.

Thanos held the infinity Gauntlet aloft prepared to swat them down like they were nothing. He snapped and the golden ships disappeared. He didn't see the blur of blue that moved off from his left. There was wet swish and then a screeching sound before Thanos fell to the ground. A sword stuck straight between his eyes as Nebula crouched over him.

"You were a shitty father," She said softly, "But that's not why I did it. Quill said best women fight any challenges to the couple. You said no that was a challenge and no one is going to ruin my sister's wedding."

Quill touched down to her left running over, "I could kiss you right now Nebula." Gamora glared at him, "Which I won't because I'm a married man!" Peter finished quickly back pedalling.

"I can't believe that actually worked." Tony said in awe. Staring at the fallen Titan's body. The Chitauri fleeing towards space in every direction.

"See I told you!" Quill said punching his fist up into the air in victory, "What did I tell you? My plans are the best!"

"He was right? How is that even possible?" Tony muttered to himself, "What kind of plan based on the premise that the universe won't let me have a dad actually works?" Steve went over and patted him on the back.

"Probably best you don't think about it Tony. None of these guys make any sense."

-x-

A few days later as the Guardian's are heading back into space:

"Congratulations again on your marriage." Steve said rubbing the back of his head awkwardly, "Sorry we had to meet under such dire circumstances."

"No worries man, thanks for saying the words," Star-lord said a goofy lovesick smile spread across his face, "Never thought I'd have Captain America officiate my wedding!"

With goodbyes said and information exchanged the guardians jumped into the Milano and took off. Apparently Quill had some big honeymoon planned. The Avengers watched them fly away completely silent.

"Thank god that man was abducted as a child I don't think Earth could have handled him."" T'Challa said as the spaceship flew away. The rest of the Avengers just nodded their heads in agreement.

 **The End.**

-x-

 _ **Author's Note: Sees that people seemed to enjoy this shamelessly presented work so *presents more crack work shamelessly. So the Pac man thing was okay in the GOTG 2 but just think they could have done a ghostbusters reference and they missed it! Anyways parts of this story ended up more serious than I'd hoped sorry I'm starting to get anticipation feels with infinity war right around the corner. But hope you enjoyed! Comment and let me know what you thought or other dialogue you think that would have happened.**_


End file.
